Helping Loved Ones

There are no quick or easy solutions for recovery from an eating disorder.

Therapists, physicians and other “experts” have no magic that can cure your loved one. It is up to the person with the eating disorder to make some changes in attitude and behavior to recover. You and others in the family may also need to make some changes and take advantage of professional help to make these changes and adjustments smoother for all.

Allow yourself not to know all the answers about how to help the person you love.

This does not make you any less of a parent, partner or sibling. Admitting your lack of understanding demonstrates that you are human. There are resources for help with eating disorders. You do not have to be the expert.

If the person struggling with an eating disorder is younger than 18 – the best thing a parent/guardian can do is get professional help immediately.

Do not hesitate out of fear of conflict. It is normal for young people with eating disorders to resist getting help.

If the person with an eating disorder is over 18, the person with the eating disorder can choose whether or not to seek help.

For loved ones, this can be very difficult if the person chooses not to seek help. You do not have control over this decision. You do have the ability to set limits within the relationship. You do not have to live with behavior that you find unacceptable. And, you can set limits on how much you can give of yourself.

Once the person with an eating disorder is in therapy, avoid getting involved in arguments over weight and food behaviors.

If you become concerned about weight loss, dehydration, or other signs of your loved one being medically compromised, call the physician, therapist or both. You can also support the person with an eating disorder by encouraging them to stay in treatment that encourages self-love, maturity and responsibility for their own recovery from the eating disorder.

It is very important that during this process you learn to take care of yourself. Do not let family life or your relationships revolve around the eating disorder.

Try to make time for yourself to have fun and satisfying relationships. Do not allow the person with the eating disorder to run the family. Remember, other family members need your time and love too.

Let the person with the eating disorder take responsibility for their words, actions, decisions and behaviors.

The person with the eating disorder needs to learn how to deal with disappointment, frustration and anger. This is part of the process of recovery. Give the person with the eating disorder the responsibility to replace food eaten in a binge or to clean the bathroom after purging. Not as punishment, but to learn the realities of their eating disordered behaviors. And when you can, express honest love and affection for the person struggling with an eating disorder.

Low Self-Esteem

• There’s nothing good about me.
• I can’t do anything right.
• Why would anyone like me?

Filling a Void

• I feel like something is missing in my life.
• I feel empty or numb.

Believing our cultural message

• Everything will be perfect when I'm thin.
• I can only be attractive if I'm thin.
• People will only respect me if I'm thin.

Perfectionism

• I'm not perfect, I'm a failure.
• Being less than perfect is not acceptable.
• Being less than perfect means being normal or average.

Accomplishment/Goal Oriented

• Losing weight is a real accomplishment.
• Being good enough isn't.
• People only care about what I do or how I look

Need to be special or unique

• This is the only thing that's special about me.
• People only notice or like me because I'm thin.
• I get a lot of attention because of how I look.

Control

• This is the only thing I can control.
• If I'm not constantly on top of things, I'll be out of control.

Difficulty identifying or expressing feelings

• I don't know what I'm feeling.
• People won't like me or want to be around me if I'm angry, sad, etc.
• Says "I feel bad" or "I feel fat" to express the whole range of emotions.

Doesn't trust self or others

• I can't trust anyone.
• I don't trust what I'm feeling is "right" or "ok"
• This is the only thing I can rely on.

Sexuality/Sexual Abuse

• If I don't look sexual, maybe they'll leave me alone.
• If I can avoid looking or feeling sexual, I don't have to worry about sex.

Fear of success / Fear of failure

• People won't like me if I'm successful.
• Who do I think I am?
• If I'm sick, people won't expect much from me.